Humor

On this page are some of the funny things I've received in my e-mail. The ones in bold are my favorites.

  • Jokes
  • Silly Quotes
  • Signs of a Cult
    Translation Mistakes
    20 Things To Do In A Bathroom Stall
    Funny Headlines

    Translation Mistakes

    1. The Chevy Nova Awards were being advertised in South America. "No va" means, of course, in Spanish, "it doesn't go".
    2. The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"
    3. Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."
    4. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
    5. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."
    6. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.
    7. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
    8. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).
    9. Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.
    10. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole", translating into "happiness in the mouth."
    11. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
    12. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant!"
    13. When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish!

    20 things to do in a bathroom stall!!!!

    1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
    2.Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."
    3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
    4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
    5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit!! My glass eye!!"
    6. Say "Damn, this water is cold."
    7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.
    8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
    9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
    10. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"
    11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"
    12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?
    13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!
    14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"
    15. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
    16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
    17. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
    18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
    19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"
    20. That's a keeper!!

    Best Headline News for 1999

    These were actual newspapers headline news printing in 1999
    1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
    2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
    3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
    4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
    5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
    6. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
    7. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
    8. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
    9. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
    10. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
    11. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
    12. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
    13. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
    14. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
    15. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
    16. War Dims Hope for Peace
    17. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
    18. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
    19. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
    20. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
    21. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space
    22. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
    23. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
    24. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
    If you made these up, please tell me and I'll credit you. But if you want to use these on your page or in e-mails, please credit ME.